I've come to learn over the past almost 9 months that one thing alot of moms struggle with is GUILT. Including me. If its not one thing its another. If you were to ask a few of my close mom friends they'd be able to tell you the one thing I feel the most guilt over. Not breastfeeding longer.
When you have a baby nurses, doctors, midwives, doulas, etc. tell you how important it is to breastfeed. All the pro's and barely no cons. Its easy! If you have breasts then you can breastfeed! Throughout my pregnancy I said "I'm going to strictly breastfeed, no formula, no bottles!" Eli latched on no problem after he was born. "He's a natural!" One of the nurses said. Yeah right. I nursed for 4 months. 4 long months, lots of tears, frustrations, questions and finally I gave up. I didn't know where to turn to help. My dr. told me to look into a few books by the La Leche League, but no doctor, nurse or instructor from my prenatal class mentioned where I could see a lactation consultant, or weather it was free., or where I could find some support. So I continued to nursing in my own shame. "Why can't we do this, Eli!? It shouldn't be this hard!!"
Our issue(s)? Most of all I had too much milk, and an overactive let down. He'd latch on, start to eat happily, take a huge gulp, start choking and refuse to go back on. At first I thought he was just really hungry. He nursed like I was going to take it away from him, but I quickly realized that he couldn't control the amount he was taking in. I suppose I would refuse to eat too if something was poainful and not enjoyable. He also struggled to latch on. Eli is a fussy eater, plain and simple. Distracted.
Everyone has their own 2 cents on how your supposed to do something, weather its feeding, parenting, sleep training, what toys or books to have, etc... and often times they have no problem telling you what they think. Clearly the feeding and nursing issues was a sore subject and I had someone tell me what their thoughts on how I fed my son. Two words to describe how I felt. Shattered, and GUILTY. I tried pumping and bottle feeding for a while but it got to be too much, and I couldn't keep up.
One of the reasons I bring this up is because breastfeeding is supposed to help your baby not get sick as often. If you've kept up on my blog you'll know that Eli has been sick alot in his short life. 4-5 colds, and 2 ear infections in 8 months! And finally today (a week after he's been off his antibiotics, and the cold was finally gone.) his runny nose and cough is back. I'm at my wits end, and I'm doing everything in my power to hold it together. We use nasal spray before every nap, every bottle, and bedtime. And as of lately he's been waking up at 5a.m because he cant breath through his nose. When he crawls his mouth is always open. Mom mentioned that possibly he has breathing issues, and I didnt notice or think of it (always putting it off as "just a cold.") until she mentioned it. Then this morning as I was talking to a close friend she said that she had noticed his breathing issues, and also had a sneaking suspicion as my mom did.
When I was younger I had to have my adenoids removed. For those of you who dont know what they are, they're glands that help protect us from getting sick. Because they trap bacteria they can get swollen when they try to fight infection. They can become so overwhelmed by bacteria invasion that they become infected themselves. Thus causing a runny nose, ear problems, snoring at night (which babies should not have!), sore throat, trouble swallowing, and swollen glands in the neck. Eli has most of those issues.
I automatically blame myself for not breastfeeding longer. "If only I had breastfed longer, maybe he wouldn't be sick all the time." I know that thats not true, however its hard not to think it and automatically the GUILT comes flying back. Clearly thats my own issue, but its hard not to think about.
We have Eli's 9 month check up with his pediatrician next week, and I'm going to request that we get refered to an ear,nose, and throat specialist to figure out the problem. I'll keep you posted on what he says, but for today thats my emotional rant.
1 comment:
Hey Karla, I've been reading you blog and I'm so sorry that Eli has been sick so much! I totally understand you nursing issues, I had issues of my own with Bethany. I hardly had enough milk and was in horrible pain for a year. We went to nursing consaltans, la leche league people and it seemed like everyone and their dog had an idea and/or opinion but nothing helped. She/we just couldn't figure it out. But I did it for a year and couldn't even think of telling someone they are wrong to quit if they are having trouble. I don't want to be one who tells you what to do. If you ever find yourself in this postion again there are certain herbs that can help you make more milk and help with you making less milk. I'm am not much into going to the Dr. I feel like they are just throwing drugs at you and they don't always look in to what the real problem is. I don't know if you've done very much research on antibiotics and ear infections but most of what I've read says that they don't really help. And the more you take them for ear infections the more infections you could possibly get. I don't know if you are into herbal remedies at all but if I were in your place I would try some probiotics. They build up your good bacteria so that you can fight off the bad. When antibiotics kill off everything good and bad. I don't know if you want to try it but garlic also helps kill off infections. I'll send you some stuff if you would like it. Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Just let me know if you want the info. I will keep you guys in my prayers. I like reading you blog and seeing what you are up too. Love You
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