Nothing like a tired kid to completely change your plans (once you've already reached your destination).

Im feeling tired these days. Its been a busy week, and since Eli has a runny nose/cough he's also been more tired. Im not convinced he'll do 2 naps a day, but by 12:00P.M he is tired and ready for a nap but I feel like its too early to go down. I like to at least keep him up until 1:00P.M.

So this morning I went to go meet with my back up doula and friend Carla. We were there for all of maybe 30-45 minutes before finally I said we had to go. Eli was so whiney. He just walked around complaining. This is becoming more of a common thing these days. Im not sure if its his age, or if he's tired, or teething but man its draining on me... I couldnt imagine how he's feeling!

I zipped home and put him down for a nap by 10:30a.m. Im crossing my fingers he'll get 2 naps in today, but you never know.

Because Eli has been so irritable and moody lately its made me really question a few things.

1) Myself as a mom & wife
    We used to have a really set schedule, however lately not so much! It feels as though I cant keep up on the house work, dishes, laundry, and making supper for us has been even harder! Eli refuses to eat what we give him but he's miserable to play while we try and eat supper. There was a time a few months ago when the 3 of us would sit and eat nicely... those days are gone!! When I fall behind on my stay at home mom duties I feel like I expect more from Andy who is already dealing with enough at school.

2) Am I really supposed to be staying at home?
     So many of my mom friends have gone back to work and put their kids in day care. I think about when I dont see Eli for a few hours and then I come home and I want to see him and play with him. By the end of the day when I stay at home I just want a break. I feel frustrated and angry. Which brings me to the next thing.

3) Anger
Yesterday at H2H a woman spoke on anger, and how so many moms are angry. It brought tears to my eyes because I think of "How many times have I over reacted and yelled at Eli, or gotten angry when he really didnt deserve it?" It happens often! Im ashamed to say it, but it does happen and I think alot of moms can agree with it! It breaks my heart! I remember saying to myself "I dont want to ever bully my children." I see alot of moms who speak to their kids in a way that I think could be considered bullying. But what if we put bullying and anger in the same subject? Isn't it or couldnt it be the same thing? I think so! I dont want to be an angry mom, or wife, I dont want to be a bully to my son or husband.

Being a mom is hard, one of the hardest things, but I feel like God is slowly but surely pulling back the layers of my complicated self and showing me bits and pieces (as I can handle them!!) about what I need to change and who I need to strive to become! Man its not easy, but Im praying that Ill get there!!