Think before you speak . . . I learned my lesson the hard way.

So we've all been there, made a comment or two or more that was inappropriate and hurt someone! No one likes to admit it, or even talk about it, but I think sometimes it needs to be talked about! We all know we open our mouths and say things that shouldn't have been said, but we're just so ashamed of it!

Here is my story of opening my mouth and making some comments that shouldnt have been made, and how I really learned my lesson . . . the hard way!

A few months back I ended up having an issue with a friend. We had been friends for over a year and as far as I knew things were great. Over the past 6 months or so though we started growing apart, only hanging out or speaking a few times every now and then. I felt as though I would try to contact her and not have a reply or anything become of it.

Finally, I confronted her and asked her about it. At first she told me that we had grown apart and we were too different. After a bit of conversation, it came out that I had made some inappropriate comments while spending time together that she was uncomfortable with, and rightly so. Im not going to go into details about the comments, but Ill tell you they had been brought to my attention before she had brought them to attention and it was something I had felt completely convicted of even before her and I started to talk about it. In fact I was completely ashamed of what I said! Funny how the mouth and mind just run and say things!? I apologized, and said I was very very sorry. Unfortunately the damage had been done and her decision had been made about about our friendship. We were too different and didnt have much in common and that was that.

I was really hurt that instead of being honest with me she just avoided calling me back or speaking to me. I wondered for months what was going on, and what I had done. I knew there was something, but wasn't too sure! I felt as though I had been lied to, weather or not I had been. Our friendship was/is done.

After our final conversation I struggled for weeks with this because I felt there was nothing I could do. One night I laid in bed crying because the thought of hurting someone just broke my heart! I had apologized (our conversation had been online.) and that was that. That same night I laid in bed the thought came to my mind "Maybe you should call and apologize." I had deleted her number out of my phone a few weeks prior, but thought maybe I could remember it. So the next morning I picked up and the phone and left a message. I told her I wanted to apologize to her over the phone, and that I wasnt trying to argue, but just needed to apologize. I never heard back from her, and to be honest I didnt expect to. Funny how the heart and mind works because in a time when I was feeling really hurt, and vulnerable I immediately became angry. "How could someone be so rude not to return a phone call, especially when I had to swallow my pride and pick up the phone!?" Andy said I had done what I could and if she didn't respect me enough to call me back to just leave it. So I did.

But I continued to feel horrible, and angry (more so about myself than anything.) There is nothing that I hate more than feeling at odds with someone. It consumed me... conversations her and I had had in the past, watching tv, thinking about it while being out and about, I even dreamnt about it!
It wasn't until one my good friends came over 3 or 4 weeks ago that I talked to her about it. I told her everything and got it off my chest. I told her how ashamed I felt, and how horrible I felt, how it was affecting my whole life... my marriage, other relationships and how it was consumning my mind! She told me she had had an experience in her life that had consumed her too. It felt nice to know I wasnt the only one. It felt nice to know that Im not the only one who goes from feeling like junk to feeling angry, to feeling hurt! Finally, she challenged me with a few things about the issue and I took on her challenge. The next time her and I got together we talked a bit more about how I was doing and feeling... she offered to pray for me, and told me that she had prayed a few more times after we got together. The freedom I had from her prayer was incredible. God really worked through me in those moments!

I still struggle with how the situation was handled, and how it was brought to my attention (or possible lack of brought to my attention.) I still struggle with certain conversations we had, as well as things that she said.  I struggle with the fact that in the ending of our friendship Im made out as the "bad person", and now we're just "too different". Obviously, I'm quite upset about the way our friendship ended, and unfortunately because of our friendship ending, Andy's friendship with her husband also ended. 

There are days where I still struggle and feel angry about the situation. I feel as though if we were as good of friends with this couple as we thought we were, shouldn't we have been able to discuss it and overcome it? I know we have other friends that would've called me out on the situation the first time it happened and we'd move on, and our friendship would be better because of it. I still feel hurt some days, and I still feel really sad that I hurt someone else and lost a friend.

I've definitly learned my lesson on this one, and have huge regrets, but God is continuing to teach me and mold me into who Im supposed to be. It doesnt make it right though.

If my friend had called me back to hear what I wanted to say that day I would've told her how sorry I was that I offended her. That I wished she would've told me right from the get go, even though she shouldn't have had to. I would've told her that I was so ashamed that those certain things came out of my mouth, and I cant believe that I said what I said! I would've told her that I didnt expect anything to change, but that I at least owed it to her to give her a proper apology instead of just over the internet. And I would've told her yet agian that Im so sorry I hurt her, and I hope that she could forgive me.

Whats done has been done, and in my case I sure learned me lesson . . . the hard way this time. Hopefully next time Ill think before I talk!